Memoirs for my daughter, part 7

Today is Sept. 19 and I didn't write in a month! Only because there's not much to say. We've been home for a month now. And it's kind of scary, because your absolute neuts (immune system) are 0.1! And you temperature fluctuates between 37C-37.5C, which is a bit alarming to us, but is not high enough to call the Dr.. We have to call them when/if it reaches 38.3. I hope it won't. We're suppose to start the CNS treatment on Sept. 23, which means 2 LP's (Lumbar Punctures) a week for two weeks, if you don't get neutropenic (neuts < 0.5) and you stay fever-free.

On Sept. 23 we went to the clinic to start the CNS therapy. This is to avoid the apparition on leukemic cells in the spinal fluid and in the fluid surrounding your brain. There's never been any, but they do this therapy as a preventive measure. We didn't start the treatment, because the counts were too low, but we'll go again on Sept. 28 for a CT Scan and if the counts are high enough, we will start the CNS, as well.

Every week when we go to clinic, we have to go and get a finger poke to check your CBC's. You are so very good! You sit on my lap, give the nurse the thumb and sit nice and quite for the nurse to draw some blood. You fuss more about the band-aid! For some reason you just don't like band-aids anymore. You used to cry when I took them off, now you don't want them on! Also, every week the nurse has to change the dressing over your picc-line. You do cry a lot, but you never move your arm. The nurses are amazed at how good you are. They are also amazed at how beautiful you are. It hasn't been too many people to ever lay eyes on you and not say how beautiful you are.

On Sept. 28, we went to the clinic for CBC and the CT Scan, which was scheduled for 1pm. Even though you were NPO (no food or drink after midnight), you were very understanding when I explained I can't give you anything until the nurse says it's OK. At 11am, there was a Code Black in the Hospital, and they said on the news that there was a threat that a medical student has planted 5 bombs! So, for 2 hours nobody entered or exited the Hospital. Everyone stayed in the areas where they were when the Code Black started.

We went tho the CT Scan area just before 1am (the Code ended just on time) and the Doctors were in a meeting deciding if they should do the scan today or not. But then the Police cleared all areas and you had your CT Scan done. You still didn't have the LP done, the counts were still too low, neuts at 0.3. You woke up, ate really well and we came home. We'll try again on Thursday. 

Daddy will take you at Toys'r'Us tomorrow to buy you a doll house.

My! You are so amazing! Lately, you caress my arm or Daddy's arm and YOU ask US if we are OK. We always tell you that if you are OK, we are OK, too.

Oct. 1, 2010

We went to the clinic yesterday and the counts were still low, so we'll try again on Thursday, Oct. 8. Yesterday we got leg needle (Asperegenase) number 8 out of 30! Results from CT were back and everything is clear. Dr. Lieberman talked to Dr. Bailey to set a date to put your port in. We are so looking forward to have the port(-a-catheter) put in so you can play whichever way you want and so you can have a bath without having to keep your arm out of water! It just breaks my heart every time we take your shirt off, which lately you only accept long-sleeve, and you turn your head away and say "No look! Boo-boo! Mommy/ Daddy/ Lola/ Ana look!" I can understand how you'll be sick and tired of it, it has been in your little arm for 3 months already! But soon we'll be rid of it! We love you very much, you wonderful little girl!

Hello, my little sweetheart!

Today is Oct. 23 and I didn't write in a long time, but this time because a lot has been happening. We started the CNS treatment. The first 3 went OK, as we expected; you had it done, woke up, ate, got out of bed and started walking, like nothing happened. The 4th LP was supposed to be on Oct. 19, but on Monday, the 18th, Dr. Bailey's office called and said that they have an OR time for Wed., Oct. 20, so they co-ordinated everything, so you had the 4th LP and the Port inserted in one sedation.

We went to clinic on Tuesday for the pre-op assessment and CBC and I did happened to mention to the nurse that your blood looked quite thin. When the results came, sure enough, platelets were down to 23!!! (Normal limits are between 150-400.) Andrea, our clinical nurse said that you needed a platelets transfusion and we had to be there early next morning, before surgery. We said we'll be there at 8am.

You slept all night, and woke up at 7am. We went to clinic and Daddy and I knew something was not right. We asked Andrea to send the Dr. over to see you, as you were very sleepy, which is so unusual for you. Dr. Lieberman ordered another blood work and we went to the OR for the 12 o'clock appointment for the Port. You were still sleeping! Dr. Portwine came downstairs to do the LP and said that before we can go in, we have to ask for the blood test results, before they decide if they will do the surgery or postpone it. Dr. Bailey called the lab and finally got the results after 20 minutes! You were hypo-glycemic!!! The glucose level was only 1.6 (Normal levels are between 4-11 for your age group). Surprisingly, you were still conscious! They gave you a bolus of glucose water and instantly you were better. You finally got in the OR at 2pm. They only allow one parent in the OR, so Daddy waited outside and I came in with you and held you until you fell asleep. This was the hardest one yet to watch them sedate you. This time they wanted me to lay you down on the table, and while you were crying, they put all the probes on you and the Oxygen mask on your face; you were looking at me, your beautiful eyes begging and accusing me in the same time, for allowing them do this to you. You looked scared and they wouldn't let me hold you... They did let me stay until you fell asleep. While you were crying I was bend down over you, talking to you and I saw 2 eyelashes turned down into your eyes. I went outside to Daddy and we went for a coffee, but all I wanted to do was curl down and cry and die, and every time I feel like this I realise how selfish my wish is. I can't do that! I have to be there and be strong for you, my love, to hold your hand and get you through this.

The surgery lasted about an hour and then they called me into the recovery room and you were already awake. A nurse had picked you up and she was rocking you, because you were crying. I picked you in my arms and rocked you and comforted you, until you stop crying and fell asleep again. Half an hour later they took us back to same-day surgery section. You woke up, had a drink and a bit of Jell-o and got sick and threw up, which was scary, because you had never thrown up before after the anesthetic. You fell asleep again, after the nurse gave you some Gravol and you told me "Tummy hurt." and asked for Tylenol.

At 8pm they transferred us upstairs to sedation clinic to spend the night, just to make sure you were fine and because your hemoglobin was low, the Dr. wanted you to have a blood transfusion before we came home. You ate 4 crackers and then you went back to sleep. You woke up at 3am and asked for a cereal bar to eat, ate it and went back to sleep until 7am. When we woke up, you stayed with Michelle, our friend, the nurse from 3B and Mommy went to get a coffee.

We waited for Dr. Bailey to come and order the blood, and we finally got the cross-match done and the blood by 2pm! Your hemoglobin was down to 72. (Normal limits are 115-150) The transfusion took 3 hours, so we finally got home at 6pm! This past two days since we've been home, you have been the happiest little girl. It makes Mommy and Daddy so very happy to see you like this. We'll have to inquire more about the cause of hypo-glycemia, when we go to clinic on Thursday. We think it was a combination of the CNS, NPO and Septra, which you take 3 times a week to prevent pneumonia.

Memoirs for my daughter, part 6

July 28, 2010

Last night was better and you actually ate breakfast this morning. And after that you asked me called Diana to give you a hug to take your medicine :) So, I called her. Diana, Madrina, Padrino and Granny have been such a great support to us, they showed how much they care and I hope that no matter what, you never turn away from them. They all love you very much!

July 29, 2010

Last night was a terror! Sleep-wise. We are, all three, so very tired! But hopefully soon everything will be back to normal. We don't even know why you are so upset! We don't know if your arm hurts, where the picc line sticks out or if you have bad dreams about everything that's happening. We try hard to comfort you and we do anything you ask us to do and it still doesn't work! It's OK, though, with love and patience we will get through this.

August 3, 2010

I haven't wrote in a few days, simply because I didn't know what to say or how to say it!  It's been 3 bad days and 3 worse nights, when you've been quite upset and you wouldn't even tell us what was wrong.

I was getting pretty upset at night, it's... frustrating for me when you cry and I don't seem to be able to understand what is wrong and how to make it better. And I am so very tired!

So last night, Daddy had a long talk with me, explained to me how you must be feeling, what you might be going through and how me getting upset doesn't help you calm down. He was right; me staying calm really helped last night and we had the best sleep we had in weeks. Daddy is so very comforting, calm, wonderful and smart! I guess I just needed Daddy to say in words what I knew in my heart, but was probably too tired to realise it. Him talking to Mommy helped both, you and I. I love you and I love Daddy very much! And Daddy loves us just as much.

Because we had a good night, when you only woke up crying twice, we went to the park this morning. Hopefully tonight will be even better and we'll go to the park again in the morning.

You woke up at 2am and wanted Daddy. I asked if you wanted in Daddy's bed, but you actually wanted to stay in my arms, while I stood in the middle of Daddy's bedroom and you watched him sleep! After 15 minutes, I woke up Daddy and he picked you in his arms and asked if you wanted to go to your bed and lay on him. You agreed with this, so the three of us slept on your bed until 6am when you and Mommy moved onto the  couch and Daddy to his bed and we slept on the couch for another hour. Yes, these days we consider this a 'good night'. :)

Aug. 4

Last night after your dinner, Madrina and Padrino took you for a walk, while Daddy bbq-ed. You went at Zellers and Madrina and Padrino bought Barney for you. Then you came back and had a lot of bacon off the bbq. Your appetite is coming back, your mood is improving, we have our happy, hungry baby back again! You even slept better last night, woke up once around 1am and fell asleep on Daddy again. We woke up at 7am, had breakfast and went to the park. Daddy and I love you very much and we'll do whatever it takes to make you happy.

Aug. 5

Today we went at the clinic for a blood count and you neutrofils are 2.4, which is good (anywhere between 1.5-8.5 is good), hemoglobin and platelets also going up! All in all you are doing good, you are happy, you are eating, you are drinking. We love you very much and we are very proud of you!

Today is Aug. 15 and I will try to up-date! On Aug. 7 you started a fever again, so I called Dr. Portwine 3 times that day. At 6am on Aug. 8 I called her again and she said to bring you in to the Hospital. They put you on all sorts of antibiotics, but for the next 5 days, you still spiked fever after fever, every 4-6 hours. On Aug. 12 they gave you a CT Scan to try and find out what is causing the fevers. The Dr. came back with the results after a few hours. There is an infection in your lungs, but they don't know what is causing it.

Last time you had a fever was on Aug. 13 at 4am and none since, but Dr.  Bailey (she's the surgeon) still wants to perform a bronchoscopy to check if the infection is viral, bacterial or fungal. As I write this quick update, you are sleeping and we are still waiting for the Dr. to take you to the O.R. for the procedure.

We had again two really rough nights. Two nights ago, you fell asleep at 1:30am and slept on me until 3:15am when you woke up and didn't go back to sleep in the bed, but fell asleep in my arms, as I sat on a chair in the hallway, at 4am. At 5am we came and sat down on a chair in your room and we both slept there until 6am when we moved to bed and slept until 9am. I woke up at 9am, but you slept until after 10am. Last night wasn't as bad, but wasn't great either.  You woke up at 2am, then at 4am, at 5am, 6am and then at 7am and didn't go back to sleep.

They came to take you to the O.R. at 4am on Monday morning and it was all done in about an hour. Daddy waited on a chair in your room all night with us and after the procedure, he went home to get some sleep.

At 7am, Dr. Bailey came and woke me up and told me that it looks like it was nothing but mucus, but we do have to wait for the results.

Since you haven't had a fever since Friday, they let us come home at 4pm, but just over-night. We went back Tuesday morning and they gave us prescriptions for home and they discharged us.

We all went outside for coffee while waiting for the discharge and Daddy said to you "Let's go upstairs and we tell Ali we want to come home." Ali is one of the nurses in 3B ward. She is the nurse who took Daddy's blood pressure and when she saw how high it was, she actually hit Daddy! :) And told him to go get a check-up! That was so funny! She's very sweet. So we went upstairs, we just got out of the elevator, when there was Ali moving somebody with a bed. As soon as you saw her, you yelled "Ali! I wanna go home!"

On Thursday and Friday we had to go to the 3F clinic for your chemo treatment. Now we have to do 30 leg needles, one a week and then the next day is the methotrexate, so for 30 weeks we have to go to clinic twice a week.

On Daddy's Birthday we went for a walk on the beach, but only for an hour or so and the rain started.

On Au. 22, Daddy went to a golf tournament, called "Victory fore Victoria", organized by Padrino, Madrina, Van and Tony. With a lunch at Vicar's Vice. There were 88 people there and a lady we don't even know made 2 cakes! One with a Golf course on it and one with a Princess tiara.

Today is Aug. 23 and you are sleeping as I write this and Daddy is at work. I want you to know about all the love and support everyone is offering. You are very loved, my sweet child. And Mommy and Daddy love you more than anything in the world! And we are very, very proud of you!

It's been a week since I didn't write anything, but there's not much to say, just that we've been home for 2 weeks and you are healthy!!!

We'll check in to the Hospital on Sept. 3 for the high-dose methotrexate. They will start it on the 4th and Daddy and I hope with all our hearts that it will not make you very sick. The Dr. said it will make you sick! We hope it won't and so far you reacted very well to the medication, so we really hope for the best.

You are wonderful, you give us strenght and courage to get through this. As Daddy said yesterday, the love we all have for each other will help us get through this together, as a family. We love you so very, very much!

You are so unbelievably strong! You amaze us every day! On Sept. 2 you had a Lumbar Puncture, you woke  up, ate and half an hour later you were running! Next day you had the high dose methotrexate and the Dr. said it would take 3-5 days to clear out of your system, but guess what? We were home 2 days later! Today is Sept. 8 and you are fine and we hope that you stay fever-free and the whole rest of the treatment will be as out-patient. We love you, you strong little Princess!

Memoirs for my daughter, part 5

July 24

It's noon and you are sleeping and Daddy's out for groceries. Daddy has to buy more sushi and caviar, you've been eating them every day since the beginning of your treatment.

Last night for the first time, you asked me to get out of bed and you wanted Daddy, so you slept with Daddy. For a couple of hours. At 2am you woke up and asked for me, so I came to you, then at your request, we moved to Daddys' bed. Then you and Daddy moved back to your bed, then you asked for mommy, and we slept in your room, all three of us. You were very restless all night.

July 25:

God give me patience! I prayed for the last two nights as we've been moving from your bed to Daddy's bed, to the couch and back yo your bed! And then again...

But it will all get better soon and then maybe tonight will be better.

We went to see the Thunderbirds game today, and we had a nice time, you ate a few bites of sausage and two fries! And we were happy with that! During the steroids treatment, you would eat a large portion of fries from McDonald's, a jar of caviar, a tray of sushi and countless sausages throughout the day, plus much more, and now we're happy if you eat a hot-dog or a quarter of a potatoe!

July 26:

Last night was much better! You still woke up, but it was nowhere near as bad as the two nights before.

We went to the store today!!! The first time in 6 weeks! What an accomplishment it seems! What a great thing to do!Things that we used to do every day, now seem like such a big deal! Oh, how life changes from one day to the next! But if God would take me back to the day you were born and give me the choice between the magnificent, wonderful YOU, who will get diagnosed with Leukemia, at age 2 or another baby who will never get as much as a cold, I would still chose you, a million times, no questions asked! You are so wonderful, so perfect, so smart and we love you more than anything in this world! And not only because you are ours, but for everything you are!

As I write this, we are sitting outside on the grass, in the back yard, you are sitting beside me, playing with crayons (you are not interested in coloring, but in taking the paper off of them :) ) and Daddy is cleaning the garden, taking the weeds out, as we are waiting for Madrina and Padrino.

This morning I had to call Madrina to give you a hug over the phone to take your medicine and eat! So far, we've called Madrina, Granny or Diana to hug you over the phone, so you take your medicine and eat! :)

July 27, 2010:

Last night was... tough, to say the least! You not sleeping, we got used to, but now you are crying during the night, too. You wake up and cry. That is so new and unususal for us, we don't quite know what to do to make you happy and to help you calm down and go back to sleep! But whatever I do, is just not good enough. You cry and scream and kick and pull my hair, and then we move from one bed to another or the couch, either with me or Daddy, whomever you want at the moment. Oh, we all need sleep. You need rest, to stay strong and get better, we need sleep to stay strong enough to take care of you! But with a lot of love and patience, we will get through this. We are a strong family, we have a lot of love for each other, we will all pull through this. The times mommy breaks down, Daddy's strong and puts me together; the times Daddy can't keep it together anymore, I am strong for him. And we both get strenght from you and from the love we have for you. We can not and we will not give up. We have to be strong for you, our sweet litlle baby! You are our life, right now you are our number one priority.

Memoirs for my daughter, part 4

Today is July 22, and for the first time, we shared a room last night. Our roommate is Ryan, a teenage girl. You woke up crying at about 2am and Ryan woke up, went to her closet, pulled out a blue Nestle bear and gave it to you. We named it Ryan.  She gave it to you and said: "Oh, It's OK to be upset, I get upset sometimes, too." You also got a big brown bear from Kathy, the nurse in PCCU, the one with a girl your age, named Rowen.  And a cream bear from the bikers in Hamilton, who donated bears for all the children in the Hospital. Yesterday, Vicky asked me if it would be OK to bring you a dress; she said she got it last summer (2009), when she went to a wedding and the dress was made for a litlle girl who was supposed to be in the wedding, but didn't attend, and the bride gave the dress to Vicky to give it to whomever she wants. Vicky said that for a year, she never met a litlle girl who she would've thought was "special enough" to get the dress. You also got a lot of presents from the people at Daddy's store, which only shows us how many thoughtful pleople are out there.

We came home today with antibiotics and some oral chemo. You fell asleep at night and for the first time, you were sick, you threw up. It made you wake up and you were actually saying "Sorry, mommy, I made a mess." Like anybody cares about the mess! You went back to sleep and were fine the rest of the night, and woke up at 5 am and asked for Daddy, so we moved to Daddy's bed. We slept with Daddy for the first time!

July 23:

Today has been a good day. Steroids are out of your system and our happy baby is back! It has been a hard month for all of us, but especially for you, my love,  with the mood swings and the anger on top of everything else. I think it has to be really hard for you not to understand why you feel so very angry and you're still so young, you have no idea how to control that anger.

You woudln't take your medicine today, so after a while of trying and begging I had to force you and I, again, apologise to you for that. I also hope you understand that Daddy and I have to do this. We have to make sure you take your medicine and the Leukemia stays away forever and you can have the normal childhood you deserve. Even though, I know we will forever get paranoid, every time you'll have the slightest fever or sign of a cold. Oh, how I long for us to be able to do the simple things we used to do, like playing in the back yard, or playing with mud in the garden or even go to a store.  I would love to see you give Isabel hugs and play with her. But you both know that until you are better, it's not safe for you to do so. And you are so good and so understanding about it and about everything and so very smart, you make Mommy and Daddy very, very proud and we love you more than anything in this world.

Memoirs for my daughter, part 3

We went home on July 18 and went back to the Hospital with yet another fever, only 2 days later. On July 12 you got pretty sick again and Mommy had to make a big fuss again for them to do something. I demanded that either a Dr. gets in your room in the next 2 minutes or the PCCU team is called!. Your fever was 38.5C and your hands and feet were cold and you started shaking again. Dr. Lieberman came in nad said that you were septic, but not in shock yet! and administered fluid right away! That helped immediately.

July 15, finally, THE day! Day 32! Steroids are over with! Oh, the time we had! It was so very hard to sit on the bed beside you and watch you wiggle and scream, while you wouldn't even let me touch you! You were pulling your hair, my hair, you were kicking and screaming, hitting your head with your tiny fists, hitting me, for no apparent reason! During the 32 days, Daddy only saw you once doing this, it so happened that every time you had a melt-down caused by the steroids, it was when Daddy was at work! But they are over!
The Dr. took a bone marrow sample and on July 16 we had the results back. YOU ARE LEUKEMIA FREE! There were no leukemia cells found! Oh, the happiness, the relief! I finally saw Daddy smile again!

You were supposed to get a high dose of methotrexate today, but because the Dr. found an bacterial infection in your blood, we will do another treatment for the nex cycle (each cycle lasts 3 weeks).
The CBC (Cell Blood Count) is going up, you got some imune system now and things are getting better.

On July 19 the Dr. gave us the OK to take you out of your room, for walks, around the Hospital, so for the next few days you came downstairs with Daddy and Mommy for coffee.
Madrina and Padrino are still coming every day to see you. They love you very much, they are very supportive, Padrino is so ready to make a right fool of him-self just to see you smile, is very touching.
Also, Granny came to see you a lot. I love your Granny! She is such a nice, loving woman. I've also been calling Diana every day to tell her what's happening. And if I didn't call her one day, she would call us.
Today I met Christine, the nurse that was in the ER on June 9. She remembered your name, my name and she told me how impressed she was by you and how touched she was by the bond between us.

Memoirs for my daughter, part 2

For the next few days, a lot of Doctors, nurses, pharmacists talked to Daddy and I about the treatment, the medication, duration of treatment. So much information! Then came Sabrina, who told us that you could take part in a study conducted by the Dana Fabrer Institute in Boston, where they have very advanced technology and they could detect even the smallest Leukemic cells (MicroResidual Disease) in the bone morrow or the spinal fluid.
On June 15 (which would've been my Ota's Birthday), they sedated you and inserted a Picc Line in your arm, so they administer all the medication or draw blood through it, so they won't have to poke you every day and damage your veins. They allowed Daddy and Mommy to come into the Sedation Room with you, and Mommy held you until you fell asleep. It was so very hard to set you down on that bed and walk out...
On June 16 we started the official treatment. We started with Prednisone for 32 days, a steroid. They advised us that the side effects are huge appetite, big cravings, taste changes and mood swings! The hardest one to deal with was going to be the mood swings, the anger, the crying.
On June 19 we started the chemo-therapy for the next four days. The dr. said that the Doxorubicin could make you quite sick, but it didn't. You handled it really well. So far you haven't been sick once! I am so happy you at least don't have to deal with that! You also got some Vincristine, which, apparentely, is a softer medication.

June 21, 2010
Today you got the first dose of Methotrexate, which will make you lose your hair. But as I write this, weeks later, you still have all your hair. (When/if you read this blog, you need to remember Mommy wrote everything in a notebook initially and then I transfered it all here).

June 23, 2010
Today we went home for the first time since all this started and we heard you laugh! You were in the kitchen with Daddy. I promise you, my sweet child, your laugh is the absolute most precious sound in this whole wide world!

we had a good three days at home. But on June 27 I woke up at 4am and checked you, because you fell hot. Your temperature was 38.3C, so I woke uo Daddy. We called the Dr. on-call and she didn't call us back. So at 5am we were in the ER.
You got very sick, very fast! The Dr. in the ER was a resident who had no clue what to do. So, after Mommy yelled at him, the PCCU team came to assess you. They said you were on septic shock and they administered a lot of IV fluid, very fast and also a blood transfusion. For the first time in your life, you looked sick, you had a high fever, your had was burning, while your hands and feet were freezing, you were sweating and shaking! It was very scary to see you look sick, to see the Dr. in a state of half-panic! To see them all around you, trying to stabilize you, while ignored us, nobody had the time to explain what was happening! Their first and only concern was you! As it should be! Our feelings did not matter at that time, the only thing that mattered was that you were stabile. I didn't really know what septic shock was, I didn't know the whole extent of it and Daddy explained to me weeks later, when you were fine. I made an official complaint against the whole of ER, for sending a resident Dr. to try and treat you with Tylenol. I'm still waiting for an answer on that! We've been in PCCU again, for 2 days, and then we got moved into 3B ward and we stayed there until July 8. They could not trace the source of your fever, so they kept us there until they were sure you were fine even without the antibiotics and got no more fevers.
The nurses are just unbelieveably nice and kind. You just love Ashley! She's very pretty and she's very kind to you. And then there's Vicky (short for Victoria) to whom Mommy finds it very easy to talk. She takes her time explaining what we need to know.
And, of course, Madrina and Padrino have been there every day. They really care and we congratulate ourselves for chooseing such good God-parents fo you.

Memoirs for my daughter

Hello, my litlle Princess.

As I start writing this, you are already better. At first, I was too heart-broken and way too overwhelmed to even think about writing all this down so you can read it when you are all grown up, if you so choose.

But today, July 18, 2010, I finally got to it and I will continue to write for the next two years, until July 17, 2012, which will be the last day of your treatment. So, my sweet baby, here's the story of your recovery from A.L.L.: Acute Lymphoblastyc Leukemia.

It all started at the beginning of May with a simple fever. And then, a couple days later another one. And then on May 20, a visit to the Paediatrician, who reassured us it was only a virus. And then another fever, on May 24, when we went to the E.R. The diagnosis once again was that it was another virus. So until June 9 you had fevers, on and off, which would dissapear after a dose of Advil. On June 8 the fever started getting more and more agressive, it would not go away after the dose of Advil. I called Dr. McNay (your paediatrician) on June 9, I told him it's only getting worse and he told me to take you back to the E.R. I called Daddy, he left work, came home and we took you to the E.R. again. There they collected a blood sample and an hour later, they said they were inconcludent, so they took another one. A couple of agonizing hours later a Doctor came in the room and told us that it might be Leukemia. It was the worst thing anybody could have ever told us! We were heartbroken, devastated. I hope you will never know how that feels, when you will have children. I can not explain in words what I felt that day. It was as if someone reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. I was so scared, I didn't know anything about ALL, and I thought I will lose you.

I honestly can not tell much about that first night in the Hospital. Because I don't remember it.  I know they transferred us from ER to the PCCU (Paediatric Critical Care Unit). The next morning, Dr. Scheinemann took a bone morrow sample and a spinal liquid sample to have them tested in the lab. Around 6pm she called daddy and I to a small room. I told Daddy that is not a good sign if she won't talk to us in the room. Unfortunately, I was right. The nurse in charge of you, Kathy came with us in the room, which I guess was for moral support, more than anything else. She has a little girl, 2 days younger then you, and I think you really got to her, it really affected her what was happening to you. Anyway, Dr. Scheinemann informed daddy and I that the diagnosis was now officially confirmed, you have ALL. I don't remember much about that conversation, I remember Daddy crying, I remember asking if they can make you better, I remember an affirmative answer from the Dr. That was the best news we had in the past 24 hours! We were not going to lose you, after all. Oh, the relief! I couldn't even imagine being able to breath without you! You are the reason of my life! I love you more than life, I would kill and die for you a thousand time! The lenght of the treatment didn't matter, the 2 years didn't matter, what matters is that after the two years you will be better! You will grow up to be a Doctor, or a lawyer, or a waitress, no matter what, doesn't matter, important is that you will grow up!