Sunday, September 11, 2011

Memoirs for my daughter, part 4

Today is July 22, and for the first time, we shared a room last night. Our roommate is Ryan, a teenage girl. You woke up crying at about 2am and Ryan woke up, went to her closet, pulled out a blue Nestle bear and gave it to you. We named it Ryan.  She gave it to you and said: "Oh, It's OK to be upset, I get upset sometimes, too." You also got a big brown bear from Kathy, the nurse in PCCU, the one with a girl your age, named Rowen.  And a cream bear from the bikers in Hamilton, who donated bears for all the children in the Hospital. Yesterday, Vicky asked me if it would be OK to bring you a dress; she said she got it last summer (2009), when she went to a wedding and the dress was made for a litlle girl who was supposed to be in the wedding, but didn't attend, and the bride gave the dress to Vicky to give it to whomever she wants. Vicky said that for a year, she never met a litlle girl who she would've thought was "special enough" to get the dress. You also got a lot of presents from the people at Daddy's store, which only shows us how many thoughtful pleople are out there.
We came home today with antibiotics and some oral chemo. You fell asleep at night and for the first time, you were sick, you threw up. It made you wake up and you were actually saying "Sorry, mommy, I made a mess." Like anybody cares about the mess! You went back to sleep and were fine the rest of the night, and woke up at 5 am and asked for Daddy, so we moved to Daddy's bed. We slept with Daddy for the first time!

July 23:
Today has been a good day. Steroids are out of your system and our happy baby is back! It has been a hard month for all of us, but especially for you, my love,  with the mood swings and the anger on top of everything else. I think it has to be really hard for you not to understand why you feel so very angry and you're still so young, you have no idea how to control that anger.
You woudln't take your medicine today, so after a while of trying and begging I had to force you and I, again, apologise to you for that. I also hope you understand that Daddy and I have to do this. We have to make sure you take your medicine and the Leukemia stays away forever and you can have the normal childhood you deserve. Even though, I know we will forever get paranoid, every time you'll have the slightest fever or sign of a cold. Oh, how I long for us to be able to do the simple things we used to do, like playing in the back yard, or playing with mud in the garden or even go to a store.  I would love to see you give Isabel hugs and play with her. But you both know that until you are better, it's not safe for you to do so. And you are so good and so understanding about it and about everything and so very smart, you make Mommy and Daddy very, very proud and we love you more than anything in this world.

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